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Sunday, 15 December 2013

AMS Love Stories - Facebook Relationship


“Love at first sight” is a trope where a person feels romantic attraction for/towards a stranger the very first time him/she sets eyes on them. I suppose I will remain correct if I postulate that no one is completely immune against this “fictional” theorem.  Once the mojo is cast, it won’t matter who you are.

Whether you are a teenager or an adult, single or married, a believer or an unbeliever, one might be taken aback, and/or unguardedly apart, with the happenstances that might follow. This, especially, when we fall finally into the arms of our “sorcerer”.

Social Networking sites, like Facebook, have evolved this trope. In the new order, rather than physically setting eyes, we create a “holier-than-thou” personality for our gaolers, lock ourselves up in their virtual prisons and then, we wait in ecstasy for them to discourteously take charge/advantage (of us).

I met Richard through my Americans Circle. He befriends one in particular, but they all knew him. Though I'd only been on Facebook a few months, I was learning quickly that it was like that — everyone networks with everyone.

I'd thought Facebook would be better than MySpace and Hi5. It felt almost the same. I had just closed my account on MySpace and I was having a hard time staying positive on anything called social networking site. But this seemed OK. Facebook, I wanted to get to know how to use it anyway.

It’s amazing how you can go from being strangers to close friends with fellow Facebook users in a matter of weeks; or even days.

Not long after the first conversation we had on phone, I noticed his friendship request on Facebook. I accepted. Soon his friends were also requesting. "How wonderful," I thought to myself.

Over the next few weeks, I discovered via Facebook that he was that rarest of rare things — a person as much of a clever as IJ. My feed quickly became a steady stream of our conversations. We both loved music, cold tea and Nigeria solid food .He sings better than I do.  I made fun of his love for big cars. He joked about my love for adventures and taking too many pictures.

That's the thing about Facebook. It binds you faster with strangers as you bask in the euphoria of your growing community of binomial yet anonymous personalities.  You can be quite “intimate” with many, even if, in real-life, you have hardly met.

It turned out Richard was attending the same church with my college friend in Houston.  How did I know? Facebook shows that we did have friends in common.  I asked him about my friend but he was answered reluctantly. There and then, I knew something is fishy. I picked up my house phone and called my friend in Houston to ask about this Richard of a guy that I am infatuated with.

As soon as I mentioned his name, she was like, “hmmm, girlfriend be careful because all that are glitter are not gold and besides, there are lot of wolves in sheep clothing in the church”. 

I was alarmed and displeased. Richard, I heard, was also cohabiting with his girlfriend. I kept all the news to myself. I never discussed with anyone. Neither Richard nor my friend that introduced him. The next day he showed up on my Facebook chat with a love poem. Given the thought to the fact that I was chatting with someone else's boyfriend, I ignored him gracefully. I signed out.

I don’t know how Richard knew that I have heard all about the secrets he was keeping away from me. I did ask my friend if she did told Richard that we discussed but she denied.  Richard called my house phone that same day and asked me if I was mad at him. Because he asked, I told him the bit I “know”: that he was not “very” single after all.

Before he explained, he apologized first and he told me a lot about his relationship with the lady he’s cohabiting with. I understood everything he was going through and felt just the beginning of something tingle for him. He might have lied, but I guess he had his mojo on that night.

We ended up praying and talking to each other most of other nights; sending pictures and discussing our stories. "Is your girlfriend or housemate at home?" I would ask.

"Yes, she's at home asleep," he would say bitterly. "She sleeps most of the weekend." From the tone on his voice, he seemed unhappy, but I didn't ask more. When I woke up on the next day, I found he had sent me a message on Facebook.

"I really enjoyed talking to you last night. Thanks for hanging out," he wrote. I replied that I had fun and was off to Church. He immediately replied, “Pray for me. I want God to set me free." I knew what he meant.

He e-mailed me some Christian music the next day and Nigerian popular Afro juju music from the 1990s. A day later, I sent him some music in return. The day after that, he sent me a message on Facebook. "Okay, I'm impressed," he typed. "There's a ton of stuff here that I don't have in my embarrassingly large iTunes library. You've made yourself cooler and me far less cool.

That was at 11:30p.m. At 1a.m., we were still chatting on Facebook about music, bible, relationship, and stuffs. "Let's do this again sometime," he typed.

"Maybe?" I wrote back. "You have a girlfriend. And I can't help but think that you should maybe be spending time with your girlfriend instead of discussing with me."

"There is that," he replied.

The next day I e-mail him. "I don't think I'm being naive in saying there was subtext, last night.” "It's a crush. I'll admit it. It is what it is," he wrote back. 

Five more e-mails followed — that day. "It would definitely be a bad idea to actually come to London to see you and discuss this, right?" I wrote. I had never done this before. I had never felt this before.

"It would be a terrible idea …" he replied, and in that ellipsis was everything he hadn't said. We soon were instant messaging constantly, and when we weren't, we Facebook chat back and forth, often fifty times a day.

We sought reasons to see each other and we decided to travel to Europe for our summer vacation. We finally met but nothing transpired between us. Though we kissed, hugged and smiled, that was all of it. I decided to say this because someday he might stumble upon my blog and read my story. 

I knew some guys never leave their cohorts. That's how heartbreak starts — when you don't walk away. You do stupid things because you are lonely, lovesick, and head over heels.

After our vacation, maybe, I told him on Facebook chat, "This is just a brief Facebook pated spasm swept in on a spring wind." "I fear it isn't," he wrote. It wasn't.

I also knew I had never been this in love or infatuated with anyone. How could it be wrong if we loved each other like we did? How could it be wrong if I wanted to marry him, to have the children we both wanted with each other? But I felt guilty that I still hadn't met his girlfriend, when it seemed wrong to know anything about her life at all.

We tried to stay away from each other. We ended things again and again, only to fall back into each other's arms again and again. We fought. We made up on the phone. He said he might leave. He didn't. I blocked him. I reaccepted him. I sent message on Facebook chat, "I'm done," more than once. I never was.

I chatted about everything — future plans, what I had for dinner, course works. I chatted so much and yet I couldn't chat about the one thing most important in my life: my love for him. We started sending each other e-mails with the subject line, "What I'm not posting on Facebook," followed by some sentimental declaration of affection. We tried to share our affection on Facebook too — we had code words and phrases. For example, “<>” meant "I love you." Since we barely saw each other in person, Facebook was our way of knowing where the other might be, or how the other was feeling.

As the months wore on, I grew increasingly isolated by my secret. It's not proper being a second-best. It's offensively depressing. Facebook chatting and e-mail and phone calls weren't enough. In some ways, they just isolated me more. I started telling a few of my friends in England about him. One after the other. I hoped they wouldn't judge me too harshly for engaging in such relationship with a man I barely knew.
When Richard moved out of his girlfriend house, I told my sister. I was sure and joyous in my future. When he changed his mind and moved back in with her, I broke down and told my friend — the same one who introduced us so many months ago.

One night he called but I was still at work doing overtime, he later sent a message on Facebook that her girlfriend knew he was trying to leave her for me because they had a heated argument on that day.

"How did she know?" I asked.                                                                        

"She added you on her Facebook," he replied.

 "I couldn’t tell she was your girlfriend, I just accepted every Tom, Dick, and Harry requests on Facebook."  I replied.

This was the beginning of the end. I told him that since his girlfriend had found out about us, I don’t want to continue hurting people anymore and he flipped out — not just because I don’t want him anymore, but he felt I betrayed his love for me. Our fights grew more frequent and more intense.

His last reply to me on Facebook, jokingly, was #BLOCK, in response to my claim that 2Face was better live than the P Square. Then we ended things for good three days , then  four days of him not e-mailing and not responding to any of my replies on Facebook (after his Pastor told him to cut things off, after nine months of being in love with each other), I knew it was the best thing for both of us. 

I couldn't stop crying. But finally, I knew what I had to do. I blocked him. . It was over. End of Story.


In relationships, in the beginning you don´t see the flaws. Even when you do, for whatever reason you choose to ignore. Most times you want to place all the blame on another when things don´t go right. I truly believe that we must start with ourselves. If you find yourself unhappy with your relationship or life in general, it is usually because you don’t want to do the work within yourself.

Ideally, you always want it to be someone else´s fault. Being single has taught me a lot about life. Especially when a relationship is too good to be true, run, don’t get involves because you will be distraught to enter into such relationship.

You really don’t want to deal with another person´s baggage. Most of the time people do not want to hold up that mirror and say to themselves -- I may not be traveling too lightly and I need to check my attitude towards the choices I made in life.

There's a big difference between falling in love and being in love. There's a big difference between infatuation and falling in love. Relationship that is worthwhile is about interdependence.


I want all the singles out there to close their eyes. Imagine the perfect soul mate. How he/she smells, how he/she speaks, the way he/she walks, every single detail. Now open your eyes and ask yourself the following question, ‘Would that dream man or women of yours date you?’ Be honest, if that answer is anything but yes, we have a lot of work to do on ourselves first to validate who we are to establish some sort of self-worth. Then guess what will happen? You will attract that person into your life. Iron sharpened iron.!
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