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Friday, 27 December 2013

AMS Love Stories - Story About Exes or Past lover

When I first started having serious relationship, I promised myself that I would make sure it would never be uncomfortable to run into guys I'd breakup with. Over the years, I've occasionally had a rethink about that promise and giggled on how abominably immature I was.

But recently, I decided to reminisce about my past relationships list I kept in my blackberry (what? I don’t have one), imagine running into each of them and crunch the numbers. 

The results weren't bad at all. Of all my former boyfriends, I'd be downright please to run into some of them. Those guys range from good friends, to people I occasionally exchange a friendly good chat with, to people I've lost touch with but would be genuinely happy to run into.

Here's how I see past love. There are two kinds of past love: the sort you broke up with because it turned out that they weren't good people, and the sort you broke up with because the two of you were on different life tracks. The first group you should be careful to befriend with again. 

The second group is an excellent source of friend, as long as you're not using "friend" as an alternative word for "a person whose plan is to devour at the earliest opportunity." You need to truly be over the romantic portion of the connection, once you are sure and confident about the friendship between you can survive and even grow stronger, without you trying to force an unworkable or impossible relationship.

Speaking from my own personal relationships experience, it would be slightly, but not terribly bad to run into few of my blast from the past- I'd probably make up a fake doctor’s appointment after 10 minutes or so, but it wouldn't be a miserable experience. 

There were only 3 guys I would really dislike – (I don't want to use the word hate because AMS hate nobody) to encounter; first guy treated me awfully and I made an embarrassing mess of breaking up with, and the second guy, I really should not have had anything to do with for the reasons that will not be discussed today.

The third guy was a bully and a womanizer, you know, when something is too good to be true. At least I understood that during the relationship with the third guy, I know too well that the love we had for each other is not a practical love. We did not care about each other deeply, have the same outlook and see ourselves getting married but it was the love where we get infatuated with each other and I get butterflies, which was a bit unhealthy, and there you go.

The promise I made to stay as friends with, or at least on good terms with, my old flame have not gone as poorly as you'd presume. Thank God for Jesus! So why do so many people think staying friend with an ex is impossible?

When ladies are discussing this topic, I always hear, “Why would you want a person in your life if you're not romantically involved anymore?” That question makes sense to me now. However, I want my old flame in my life because I love them. The fact that we are no longer considering the possibility of getting married or making babies together doesn't change that. 

I am no longer with  Mr S because he wants to live with his mum, be in a relationship  with his former girlfriend and he wanted to become a Pastor, while I prefer to work, earn money, be monogamous and travel - nothing about that suggests to me that we should never speak again. I’m not with Mr Y because his mum said he cannot marry a Christian and I was a student. Well my family won't let me married a Muslim either, beside I love my privacy and I don't want to be an unequally yoked with him- nothing suggests we should never speak again. I’m not with Mr C because he wanted kid before marriage and I want kids after marriage, you're really going to tell me there’s no point in us staying in each other’s lives for that reason?

When people say it’s impossible to be friends with an ex, what they really mean is it’s a lot of work and they don't feel like making the effort. If you feel that you want to be friend with you ex, make sure you've already end your trouble relationship respectfully, not by cheating or suddenly going radio silent. Then you have to take a serious break from communicating in order to move on. Then you have to deal with any lingering anger and resentments, forgive their sins and atone for yours.  Forgiveness and letting go are very important in every relationship because you don't want your past to rent a room free in your head. Just let go and learn from every mistakes because some of our mistakes are blessing in disguise.

On the other hand, it's probably better than staying in a relationship with someone you'd be better off with just as good friends. Then you have to set boundaries, stick to them, and be continually respectful of the other person’s emotions. Most importantly, you have to resist the temptation to backslide when the demons of loneliness and horniness try to convince you that maybe you should be together after all.  In many ways it’s as difficult as an actual relationship, but if you reject the idea that hard work should only be reserved for faithful romantic relationships, its work worth doing.

At its core, the idea that you can't be friends with former lover is embroiled with society’s heteronormative (prescribe standard) expectations. We're taught to see our lives as a narrow route towards marriage and kids, with some less-important sub-plot characters involved whom we call ‘friends’. In that world, once someone’s romantic potential is gone, they must be discarded. They're no longer a potential spouse and they're not a friend, so what’s the point?

I am learning every day and I believe in the power of forgiveness. Therefore, I prefer to surround myself with people I love deeply without fitting them into a pre-set structure or in a jack in the box. With all my relationship experiences, I believe that, now, I can love someone even if we're not going to make a family or become immense part of my future. I've noticed that one or two of my friends are more likely to stay friends with blast from the past than some of them, and that makes perfect sense to me. They're already in the business of bucking society’s expectations for their relationships, and the whole ‘you can't be friends with an ex’ thing gets tossed out with the rest of it. Relationships are too complex, multifaceted, and grey to end and begin on such finite terms.

Above all, love is a beautiful thing, do not get it twisted. To me, the ability to maintain friendly relationships with exes is a sign of emotional maturity and it could be difficult sometimes. To all my beautiful ladies out there, please never settle for less. No love you, no manage him!! Like the Americans do say, the best revenge for a broken heart is to always look good and be closer to your maker.

To all my gentlemen out there, stop breaking our heart, I know there are lots of beautiful women out there but your FAVOUR is attached to just one. And before you say I LOVE YOU to a woman, please think twice because that WORD means a lot to us.  Be careful not to deliberately break a woman’s heart because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I am not! 

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