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Saturday, 14 June 2014

AMS Love Story: What Love is Not: The Story of Mrs Crown-Cold King and I

  Mrs. King, a beautiful woman, from Nigeria, got married at the age of 15 due to death of her mother. She stayed in her marriage for 12 years, after years of insults, abused, beating, false accusations, lies, delusions, broken mirrors, and nightly battles... she left her husband.

  According to Mrs Cold King - "Making the decision to end my marriage was one of the hardest and easiest things I have ever done, the hard part was finding the courage, the belief was deep and deep from within me that I was capable of doing something so devastating as I was about to do. We have 4 children, at the time in question the eldest was 12 and the youngest just 6 years of age. How would I manage, what about the financial aspect, I have no education because I was a full time housewife taking care of my children and my siblings.
  I had grown up with this man who was 7 years my senior, I later found out our whole marriage was based on a foundation of lies and deceit; it is no surprise that it ended. My husband had taken everything from me to the point that I truly believed I could not function without him, he called it live, I know and I called it control, physically and emotionally he had total control over me. Yet I found the strength, to end the years of abuse one cold but bright Saturday morning on the 6th of February1993 with the help of my uncle and my siblings.

  My husband nearly killed me with beating; it was like a spell was cast on him from his village…. He wanted to get rich by force, you know, like his fellow Igbo men by bringing all sort of voodoo and black charms into our house and I feared for my children, especially my only son.

   If the truth must be told, Yes, I have to say that I had gone from a heartbroken childhood right into the arms of my abusive husband. You know, bruises, wound, cuts do get heal but what he did was far crueller, and he broke me down emotionally and mentally, by sleeping with Bukky’s mum and got our neighbour’s daughter pregnant.  I was a wreck unable to think, to deal with daily living, yet somehow from somewhere I had to find strength to rebuild my life, just like the Phoenix rising from the ashes when the flames are gone, I had to rise to face the challenges of losing my home and be mum to my 4 children.

What happened next…..

  I believe God had planned for me, call it godsend, chance, DESTINY or whatever but I met a single gentleman, after I moved to my father’s house with my 4 kids. This man believed in me, I started working as a sales woman in someone’s shop and I was earning money enough to take care of my kids but not enough to rent an apartment. I was a broken shell of a woman but this single gentle man love me, still does and he became "dad" to my 4 kids especially the youngest by gently winning her trust. I could continue, but I will end it here, it is nearly 15 years later I have since remarried my knight in the shining armour.

  I still fight the demons in my head with prayers because my two oldest girls are now age 32 and 30, not married but they both have children living in England. I don’t want my girls to go through what I went through ……And I have to say I am blessed because I am a survivor, unlike me, many woman become victims and never get out of it until they are six feet deep.

  We are human, you know sometimes when I think of all of the painful memories, the names he had called me, the endless beating and the damaged to my right hand, the shards of him buried deep in my brain.  And now for the sake of my six children and two grandchildren I began to see how extraordinary, breathtakingly  and beautiful life is. I have discovered that my happiness depends only on myself, nothing could hurt me anymore. I have found and continue to find peace with the help of God, family, my husband and friends.

  The end of my marriage to my first husband, the father to my four children was the catalyst for a wealth of positive changes in my life. I now work in one of the Agricultural Company in Nigeria; I was able to write my GCSE and now looking forward to start Polytechnic/ college. My achievement so far at the age of 48 was a symbol, most importantly; it was an act of self-love. It was a realization that I deserved to be happy and I could choose to be whatever I want to be. To me, letting go of abusive and dreadful marriage is a joyous declaration that I am moving forward with strength and grace and peace.”

Finding the right moment…..and the bravery….

  After listening to Mrs Cold King story all I could say was, Oh my Gosh… this testimony is heavy. Yes, I guess she gave me the courage to share my own abusive relationship story because I believe the price of staying silent is too big a price to pay.

  Our society is so dangerous that you don’t know who to trust when it comes to relationship. Creepy, bizarre, and strange things are happening to people everyday to the extents that men are afraid that women will take them for granted and women are afraid that men will kill them.

  In my middle twenty’s I was in THAT abusive relationship plus being hit, punched, whatever he felt at the time. I took it all in because I don’t have a place to go and I don’t have a family to run to as I live in a strange land.  I have received these kinds of treatment from family members when I was growing up in Nigeria because my parent can’t protect me from their grave. I had many bad relationships along the way but finally no more. I am now married to Jesus, a wonderful man from Galilee that would never hurt me. 

  I have to say that, going through physical, mental and emotional abuse is not easy to forget especially when someone beat you and calls you name all ex-boyfriend did that to me every day, up to the time I left him I took care of him while I was schooling and working my bottom off but he put me down every day. And I was so blind with love I did not see it. He wanted to convert me to Islam by force and his parent wanted me to stop taking their son to church.

  One day I caught him on the computer with another woman and found out he was seeing other women. After he finally went to work, so one morning at 12 am I prayed Lord give me the strength to walk out and never look back and he did. My abuser hurt me so bad that I had trouble thinking straight. One Friday night in October 2006, he beats me so bad and I was unconscious for a few minutes. I called the police and they quickly came to my rescue. We did live in London, so I moved to a friend’s house in the Midlands. 

  In life, we need love ourselves first before anyone can love us and respect us. If you do not respect yourself no one will because as you laid your bed so you sleep on it. With the rate that evil is bring birth to evil in our time, I have seen where adults, children, animals all get abused in some form or another. Children and animals can’t speak but Woman CAN. 

  As a lady, I have learnt a lot about bad relationship and mistakes we do make sometimes, yes I say we made because we stayed and I know it's hard to leave, especially when we think our boyfriends or whatever we called them (abuser) is our lifesaver, sometimes we may think he’s going to change but No abuser just don’t change. Irrespective of the amount of SORRY they say to you, to get out is the best step in the right direction to Happiness.

  I have to say that from my own experience - I know and I believe, is hard to get out of an abusive relationship. People will tell you to leave your boyfriend or dump him and walk away but it isn't that easy to do. Every time you have that thought, the doubt sets in, You are already thinking of what he is going to call you or who is going to take you in if he decided to end the relationship.

  When I finally moved out of my abusive boyfriend house, I really thank God for the support I received from my family and friends whom I trust more than anything.  Just saying…. a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. If a guy is abusing you mentally and emotionally, don't be afraid or sad that you left him. I know is not easy to be alone but will rather be complete than damaged.

  I know the first step of leaving an abusive relationship is the Hardest. But let No one take your LIFE away from you.
  So to all the people out there that feel they can’t, YES you can and to all that can't speak let's help them to SPEAK AGAINST ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.


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